Dirty Nitty Gritty Things
by Mara93
Summary: These are the dirty nitty gritty things that will never happen in Camelot, aka Gwen's response to some of the happenings in ep 4.04.  This is tongue in cheek with A/G innuendo/flirting.  It has 4.04 spoilers too so please take note.


**Title:** The Dirty Nitty Gritty Things that will Never Happen in Camelot/ AKA: Gwen's response for ep. 4.04

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I disclaim. Merlin (trousers included) belongs to the BBC/Shine. I write this purely for satisfactory fun.

**Genre:** Ep. 4.04 scene filler (missing scene speculation…)

**Spoilers:** spoilers for Ep. 4.04. Please be warned if you haven't seen the ep.

**Characters/Pairings: **Arthur, Guinevere, Arthur's pants (lol)

**Author's Note:** This is especially for all of you who have so kindly responded to my stories lately! I feel like I'm a developing a real cool readership. Thanks and hugs! And: This is a little tongue in cheek so be ready for some wry humor in between the innuendo.

**TTT**

**Dirty Nitty Gritty Things…/ AKA Gwen's Response to the Mysteriously Falling Trousers**

**TTT**

She walked into his rooms, receiving a slightly startled look as she didn't knock.

"Guinevere!"

Ignoring his outburst and half raised tunic, she directed her attention instead to his lower anatomy. Fisting her hands at her lavender satin dress that showed off her ample bosom, she stated clearly, "I want to know one thing."

The king started lowering his tunic, but her hands shot outward, ceasing them in her grip, to keep the muscle of his mid-portion bared. "Er, and what is that?"

"Why were your pants down whilst you were meeting with your council?"

Arthur rolled his eyes, recalling Merlin's clumsy stupid attempt at helping him get them back up. And then thinking more about it, wondering too how the heck it happened in the first place. _Other than Merlin being there_. Seemed always when Merlin was around strange peculiar outlandish things occurred. One word for example of late. _Woodworm_. "I'd like to know that too."

Gwen frowned, still keeping his tunic half up with her hands.

Arthur lifted his hands with exasperation. "I have no idea how it happened. Maybe I'm getting thinner."

Gwen peered downward, shaking her head at the still evident paunch of lower stomach. Kind of cute actually that he wasn't just Mr. Ripple Dipple like some men. "No. I don't think so."

Arthur grimaced. Not sure if he should be offended or just let it go.

Gwen gazed downward again. "But just in case let me check."

Arthur's eyes widened as the very discreet handmaiden dropped to her knees and started feeling around his lower body, just a half inch below the waistline of his pants.

"Ah-er-Guin-that tickles, and er-

Other than the prominent bulge lower than her hands, seemed very prominent now anyway, _perhaps happy to see her_, nothing. Nothing different that is. She looked up at him.

Arthur heatedly gazed down at her. "You should know it's very dangerous to look at me like that when you're down on your knees and fondling my lower body."

Now she did blush a bit. But soon was reminded of what happened and her reason for coming into his rooms unannounced. What was the buzz around the castle. Getting up to her feet, she shifted her hands away and out of his pants. "I understand you and Merlin are friends."

_Where was this heading?_ Arthur groaned. "I don't know if I would call us that."

"You're being stubborn. Anyway, you are now King Arthur and even if Merlin's your servant he is not in charge of your pants."

"Which is why I yelled at him to get off!"

"Also, if your pants are falling down, can you please make sure it's somewhere without people around?"

He grinned. "Except for maybe just one."

"Who?" She asked pointedly.

Arthur moved forward. So beautiful when she was being demanding. He pressed his lips against hers. Lingered there for a moment. _"You."_

Guinevere blushed again, a bit rosy too from the kiss, but then, "If I didn't know you better I'd be inclined to think that you were up to some type of activity before this happened."

"Couldn't have been. You were visiting Elena, remember?"

She blushed again, but then, "Give them to me. I'll make sure that they're firmly fitting enough. I'm a seamstress after all."

He nodded his head and then teasingly,

"Arthur!"

"You said to give them to you."

"Not while you're wearing them!"

He laughed, bringing his pants upward from where he had slightly lowered them, as he now pointed downward. "Guinevere, you were just on your knees examining the lower portion of my body. You weren't at all the blushing bride then."

She grimaced at him tightly. "I've been on my knees many times tending to the knights uniforms, making sure they fit correctly."

It was Arthur's turn to grimace. "Eh, how many times? With what knights? And you weren't digging in their pants too, were you?"

"I was NOT digging in your pants." She stated indignantly. Then felt a little satisfaction with her next words. Let him squirm a bit. He knew her feelings. "Almost every knight of your court since they all require proper wear."

She moved behind him, as he glared for a second at her response, before she got daring again, making him forget that response. Working on clothes could do that for her, take away any blushing shyness. She had the authority as seamstress strongly.

"What are you doing?" Arthur asked as he felt her hands on his-

"Whoa-eh-Guine-

"I'm checking the rear element of your trousers."

He started to giggle. Ticklish and then, "Ah, eh-

She moved away from his lower backside with an eye roll. "I'm done. Now take them off."

He grinned.

"BEHIND the screen. You can hand them to me."

Arthur walked to the wooden screen where his body would be amply hidden. "I was getting ready for bed anyway."

"I noticed."

She gestured to his still somewhat raised tunic, watching interestedly as he brought it downward before he disappeared behind his changing quarters.

"I don't like what happened today." She stated strongly.

Arthur shrugged. "Ah, Merlin's always stupid."

"No. I didn't mean that." She looked around, perused his drawers, finding some. "Here, when you're done, change into these."

Arthur took the trousers she handed him over the screen.

Whilst he changed, she continued her train of thought. "As I stated when I came in here, you are now _king_, Arthur. You must be presentable in every way. Trousers falling off during a meeting with other kings, could you imagine how that would look?"

He stepped out, fully changed, but tunic interestingly off. "Probably terrible."

She stared at his naked chest, looking down and up as she asked, "Where, eh, is your tunic?"

"I don't sleep with it on most the time."

She brought her hands out without giving them much direction. _That is her hands came out without her brain connecting them to do so_. Want. Urge. Strong. Yearn. _That kind of thing_. "You're warm."

Arthur hummed under the feel of her semi worked but soft delicate fingers. "Yes. Been so since you walked into the room."

She pointed. "I was serious about the visiting kings' example."

He smiled lazily, playing with her fingers so they tickled into his buzz of chest hair, and then realizing that they caused deep penetrating friction against his nipple, he almost yanked them away. Too much. _Too good_. "I know you were. And I thank you for wanting my position to remain respected."

"No more falling trousers."

He chuckled at her lecturing murmur. "I'd be very happy for that to be so. Except for perhaps in this bedroom that we will share when you become queen."

She stared at him. Arthur shrugged. "Eh, that wasn't a real proposal because it'd be a terrible one, but uh more a…premonition. The good kind. _Very_ good kind."

She smiled at him, and then kissed his lips. Heated. Warm to her warm. Soft delicious wetness. "I'll take your trousers tonight and make sure the waistline is tight enough. I'll bring them back for you in the morning Sire."

"_Mmm…"_ He brushed his cheek against the side of her head, feeling her dark curls tickle his skin. "Your taking care of me is very much appreciated."

"It will not do for the people of Camelot to think their king is foolish or clownish. You agree, yes Arthur?"

He pressed his lips between her chin and neck. "Yes."

"_Mmm."_ She loved when he did things like that, but the hour was late and the castle was already abuzz enough with gossip and mutterings.

He held onto her hand. "I'd ask you to stay, but I know you want to keep everything proper and well we'll be riding out early in the morning. We're going to find a dragon egg."

She stared at him curiously. _"A dragon egg?"_

"Yes, the last one."

She loved him. But sometimes…just a bit…_strange_. Maybe she loved that about him too. _Possibly_. "A bit of knightly kingly bonding eh?"

Arthur stared.

Guinevere chuckled, finding her bravado strong again as she pulled at the waistband of his pants he was wearing now. _Bringing him much closer to her_. "Oh come now Arthur. You've wanted to get out of this castle ever since the crown was placed upon your head. Did you think I didn't notice?"

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Eh, that crown."

"Yes…" Gwen strongly agreed. "It's quite funny how it sticks out on the sides!"

"FUNNY?"

She snickered.

Arthur had enough. Teasing him about the crown, _that he asked Merlin if he could somehow find a way to get rid of in the lake, with Merlin strongly saying in his annoying way, no_, that was the last straw. He wore it only for ceremonial matters. Grasping the sides of Gwen's dress, Arthur rolled his fingers into tickling positions and began his assault. Between giggling panting and roars of _ceasing his movement_ he got his love onto his bed on her back.

"Arthur, enough!" She scratched his shoulder finally with her nails getting him to let go quickly with a yelp.

"Ah!"

She grinned victoriously.

Arthur had no choice but to relent.

"Fine, but then don't tease me about that tin thing."

Gwen just shrugged, easily pushing away from his hot chest, _well semi-easily_, and daintily stepping away from the bed.

Arthur groaned, rolling over with hormonal frustration on his stomach for a moment before jumping from the bed, catching her waist. "Invitation is still extended."

She looked at him with confusion until he gave her a meaningful look that flickered to his bed. Guinevere firmly gave a negative shake of her head. "No. I wouldn't want you to be too tired for your dragon egg trek. Too bad. I was going to come early in the morning for your trouser fitting. I'd have to check all around to make sure they are firm enough on your waist. But since you're going on your little boy muscle man mission, I guess it'll have to wait."

She placed her hands on his chest, daringly flatly over his nipples. Her lips puckered to a wet full kiss. "Good night Arthur."

He cursed that damn dragon egg. _Had to get found now!_

He teased. "Want to come with us? I bet you make better food than Merlin."

She was smiling, until that last part. "As your COOK? No. I wouldn't want to upset the _manly_ boy outing."

"You're probably better with a sword than him."

She smiled confidently. "I probably am. But no."

Arthur gave his infamous pout. "Fine."

She moved forward once more daringly. Tipped his chin upward. "Arthur Dear…"

He nearly got lost in her dark piercing eyes. "Uh, yes Guinevere…"

"I don't want to hear any stories of your trousers falling down while you are on this trek. Understood King Arthur?"

He smiled back, kissing her lips intimately. "Understood my Lady."

She pressed the bodice of her dress against his chest for a moment, making him let out a sighing gasp at the friction of her blossomed breasts. And then feeling her boldness fleeing, ran out of his room.

Shutting it, Arthur leant against his door. Thinking…

_Dumb dragon egg_.

And how he could, sometime in the future, get his pants to fall down…

At a much more…

_Fortunate time_.

**TTT**

_Fin_

I know, the dragon egg _wasn'_t dumb. Aithusa's really cute actually and I love that there's going to be a new dragon. But eh, this was tongue in cheek anyway and when they'd be flirting around with innuendo, I bet both Arthur and Gwen would be thinking that the dragon egg was kind of silly. You know, sexual tension taking over. Oh and uh, I just thought Gwen showing off her seamstress abilities would have been interesting. And that Arthur's pants falling down with his council around him was kind of clownish so she'd definitely have something to say about that. Plus, like the title infers, I seriously doubt we'll be seeing anything like this on the show, lol!

Comments are loved. Thanks for reading!


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